I have a confession to make. I’ve been really lost recently… on several levels, for some reasons I can identify and others that I can’t. I don’t like admitting to a public forum when I’m struggling – if you’re here reading this it’s because you care about me, and I don’t want to create any unnecessary concern for anyone. I have a great life, I know that, so please don’t read this tidbit as a dramatic realization – it’s not. I’ve found, throughout this year, as I have physically traveled to places outside of my comfort zone, my secure self – what makes me JORDAN – has done some dancing on that line of comfort as well, and apparently really enjoyed the freedom. Who am I? I’m Jordan Webb… I’m 22 years old, and I shouldn’t still be wondering what makes me ME… right? Wrong. I have had, for the better portion of my life, a fairly specific idea of HOW and WHEN my career, home, and family would fit together. But, these plans keep slipping away from me… I can feel my own passions, desires, opinions, so many things about my mental and emotional self transitioning and resetting. I like the idea of being ever-changing, learning and evolving, being open to becoming something different, and hopefully better, than what I have been before… but as a result I’m more unsure than ever of who I am and what I’m to be, and naturally, that uncertainty scares me a bit.
That being said, and no more about it for now, tonight I went out to a little music-cafe-like place tonight called Squires to hear some friends of mine from Busch play. My internal struggle of trying to determine if I want to perform or teach right now in my life time-line has been getting the better of me lately, putting me in a boo-boo mood after work today. But, with significant self-convincing, I managed to force myself out. My housemate, Clint, and several of our Busch friends showed off their talents tonight over the course of three hours – I caught the second half. I walked in to the sound of Clint and Alli (a fabulous singer from Celtic Fyre) singing, playing guitar, and Alli also accompanying on kazoo. 🙂 I don’t know what the song was, it may have been an original, but I hope to hear it again some day – it put me in an immediately better mood. Alli and Clint continued to play for a bit before inviting Darrien, a tap dancer from Celtic Fyre, up to accompany them with his tap dancing skills. I watched them sing together, dance together, joke with each other, and create their passions together – I couldn’t help but adore the scene I was experiencing and lose myself in the thought that, ‘this is the way it should be.’
Who knows what I’ll be doing when I finish school in a year. Maybe I’ll be on stage with these guys laughing and having a great time making music with them. Maybe I’ll be in a classroom telling my students about the nights I spent here making music with my housemates in the living room, or at the local music joint imagining with friends. I’ll tell them about how it’s not always about being the best, the highest, loudest, the highest paid, first chair in the district, the Grand Champion at BOA Nationals, the lead in the Whatever-It’s-Called Play, or the winner of the So-and-So Chair in the Blah-Blah Orchestra. Someone needs to tell people that there are reasons to be in music that exist beyond tangible rewards and satisfaction. There needs to be people in this world winning the top chairs, people pushing the boundaries, people playing in the theaters, people playing in the subways, and people making those skills, creativity, and passion possible. I want to be in one of those groups of people, and right now, after tonight, I don’t mind much which one it is.
I won’t always be this certain on my future, there are entirely too many guessing games happening in my life right now to be consistently confident that it’s going to be okay. But you know, I’ll look back on this post and hopefully remember the peace of mind I have tonight.